I seldom ever have nightmares these days. I think the last time I had anything close to one was during an REM rerun of events that happened in real life as an old metro took off at a sharp corner whilst clipping the curb and bounced off a tunnel wall and finally landed upside down having slid for a good number of yards. The roof was crushed but luckily and possibly even strangely everyone survived, myself included. The smell of gasoline surrounded us with nothing but a strange calm despite just quite literally nearly dying. I remember getting out and silently sparking up to then sit down to look at the crushed wreckage for a while. But that was a very long time ago.

I'm more then aware that when we sleep our subconscious is pretty much being organized in order to help us function in our waking state. We could sleep but its not until we get opportunity to enter the throws of the Rapid Eye Movement phase of sleep  for the appropriate amount of time during a sleep cycle that we do in fact wake feeling relatively refreshed and clear headed. Which is why some light sleepers could sleep the whole night through and still potentially wake up feeling extremely tired and  "groggy" for want of a better expression.

I think more often then not the subconscious can inform your waking life in a more direct way, usually through latent recollection.

Art more often then not is created to provoke an emotional response or thought, and in this age of iPod's and iPhone's with music and movies for nearly every mood and thought with an ever greater will to out do the multi-touch abilities of another as some means of exercising ones mastery at it, I guess sometimes we forget why.

I consider myself to be a very level headed and detached person when I need to be in some respects. But today was the first time that a dream was able to provoke some kind of genuine emotional response during my sleeping state that could never have been done in real life. But the nature of the dream was so tailored and very cleverly constructed in such a way that it was almost like a movie created specifically to influence or modify  the behavior and opinions of people, only this one was specifically created for me (apparently by my brain and subconscious). 

Earlier today I had a falling out with my missus about going to see some sights in Cambodia. I was nothing really but as ever its often the small things that can sometimes cause the biggest problems. I think initially the intention was that I was supposed to go with her along with some of her friends. However recently my sleep pattern has shifted somewhat in being occupied with a number of projects whilst being glued to my computer for a large portion of my day. The disagreement came about when she asked if I was going to go or not to which I said it depends if I'm awake. Meaning yes if I was and no if I wasn't. The chances are I would have been asleep. To which she then replied she wouldn't go if I wasn't awake to go, which did annoy me somewhat. Why should she not go if I'm not going? She would have been going somewhere new and in the company of some of her good friends with her alternative being to sit at home playing some boring card game on my Smartphone whilst I was sleeping and no doubt after I woke up I would end up doing more work for her to be sitting around being bored yet again. To me it was obvious, she should go since all she was doing was hanging out with her friends and seeing some new sites. But she still insisted she wouldn't go if I wasn't awake to go either which bugged me even more so. Why is it she couldn't be apart from me for something as trivial as this but she can more then easily take it upon herself to make even bigger decisions about the things she chooses to do with other people without my knowing about it and without the slightest inkling of guilt because it apparently doesn't count.

We didn't argue as such in the more traditional sense of all out screaming and shouting for objects to be hurled and broken.  I just said I wouldn't talk to her if she won't go. After various broken measures of time with little dialogue between us she got a little upset. Ultimately she said she was headed back off to work and  as she left we just forewent the usual kiss and peck on the cheek. After which I just collapsed back on the bed and went back to sleep.

I don't believe in higher powers in the god in the sky sense. But I do believe that there are technologies that do grant certain people abilities to do certain things. I guess its pretty apt considering I'm in a place that is predominantly Buddhist.

Obviously during sleep and dreaming you're more often then not engaged in mind state where the construct of the dream is the reality which you interact with in a seemingly physical way without physically moving in the waking world. So the experience is incredibly real and seemingly tangent.

There was a whole bunch of other stuff leading up to this which I've now forgotten and loads of other subtle details that very much seemed significant in hindsight whilst waking which I've also now forgotten. But from where I can remember...


… the sequence begins with me and my missus just hanging about in some place whilst preparing to go somewhere. She has a few friends with her. (I need to get this down quick, as it was clear as day not but 10 seconds ago, but the more I try to recall the quicker its fading, why is that??!) we eventually go to visit some place, me, her and her friends and for some reason we brought clothes with us which we changed into. Mine were strangely formals, as in a suit. However after finally putting it on mine turned into my old high school uniform under my suit jacket and as I looked round they were also wearing the school uniform. At the time it just seemed normal within the actual dream and its only in hindsight that it seemed odd. After which we set off. However a few moments after I stopped and said I wasn't going to which she pretty much was ok with it and went ahead with her friends. Then for some reason I sat down and proceeded to do some work on my tablet laptop. After a couple of minutes of using it, it popped and fluid started leaking out of the bottom part of the screen and not the battery itself which I did think of as being odd at the time as I turned the machine round to inspect it. But in flipping it back over the laptop was evidently still working. The fluid was going everywhere, all over my hands and down my chest and as I flipped the laptop back over again to have a second look it was now spewing out of the battery too. Initially I thought this wasn't bad since nothing was burning but just at that exact instance the burning sensation set in for me to run around in a panic still holding onto the laptop for a moment or so until I eventually hurled it to the ground. I just looked at my hands to then grab a towel to try and dab it off. I wrapped my left hand in it as that was the one that seemed to be worst affected having sort of gotten most off my right hand. It was still burning so I ran to the sink to run it under cold water. My right hand was a mess and all melted and deformed with various digits now stunted although strangely no bleeding. Then whilst trying to remove the towel from my left hand my skin stretched with patches of it still being stuck to the towel for the skin over my knuckles eventually splitting. I could see the cartilage veins, and tendons but I just continued to peel the towel. I eventually stopped when my little finger dangled of by a flap of skin to which my only thought was "oh shit" over and over. I ran round trying to get assistance and for some reason random strange people were walking around the building too in various rooms. Their responses were mixed. The first person I ran up to just turned his head to the right looking skyward whilst tearing up pretending he didn't see me and continuing to walk on. The second person was stone faced with scowl and turned his head to the left whilst trying to get me out his view and walking on and the subsequent two or three people after that all turned away looking to the right all teary eyed and with a slight look of guilt. Eventually I ran to the phone and dialed 999 (the emergency services number in the UK) however I just got through to some kind of radio show. The first words I heard were "Well look who it is..." whilst I was desperately trying to ask for the police despite obviously needing an ambulance. As I continued to speak the voice on the other side of the line started asking who I was. Ultimately I just put the phone back down and ran back to the sink. Once again I tried to peel the towel from my left hand again, the skin was still sticking but it was nowhere as gooey as it was before. I held my little finger in place to eventually manage to get the whole thing off in one piece. After which I weirdly tried to pinch the gooey skin back together. Eventually it was all sealed up but all deformed and stunted too. However it had left my wedding ring partially showing in parts for it to be under the skin in others, almost like a piercing  with the skin on the top part of my wedding finger and little finger fused. I squeezed on it a little and turned the ring weaved in and out of my skin round my finger. It was just getting weirder. The fluid had also left a mark down my chest too, for some reason I was now topless despite having never removed any clothing. Eventually I decided to go look for my missus, and when I was asked what her name was I hesitated and wasn't sure if I should have referred to as Makara. Eventually I blurted it out in a stutter to which I just received a simple "nope… don't know her".


(...a major patch now forgotten in this part but something core to the dream must have happened )


… eventually she turned up with her friends. I think something must have happened during that part that I've now forgotten for me to ask about the status of our relationship. Anyhow, back to what happened. I show her my deformed my now deformed and crippled hands whilst going on about what the hell am was going to do now, She then tells me she wanted to finish it and she wanted to finish it all a long time ago to then also specify the exact point (which I now can't remember). Which upon hearing I was genuinely devastated within the context of the dream. I asked why didn't she say something at the time so I could have at least been mentally prepared for it reasoning that I would have told her if I had doubts whilst highlighting the fact that I'd been as truthful about it all from the outset. To which she just shrugged and left with her friends. As the desperation and  anguish began to set in I began to wake up to my waking state. (I can just about recall there being other key details of significance at the time but I just forget even more so the harder I try to recall)…


Ok, so what does all this tell me? In waking reality I have very little anxiety about our situation and relationship. In fact I'd even say I'd somewhat mentally prepared myself for the worst case scenario of breaking up since there's very little trust on my part against the context of what I thought about it all from the outset which hasn't really changed. However this little dream/nightmare was able to provoke/trigger a very different and seemingly very real response that was genuinely felt at the time of dreaming it despite it not being the case in my waking life, the kind of stuff that you'd only hope art could sometimes do. What does it all mean?